Let’s be honest – sometimes marriage can be a complete chaos and a whole lot of laughs. Whether you’re just married or have been married for the last few decades, you know that no relationship is without its quirks. So read this 75 Funny Marriage Quotes That Only Couples Will Understand and share with your other half or read together, which are painfully relatable.
Funny Quotes About the Realities of Married Life
“Marriage is just texting each other, ‘Do we need anything from the store?’ a bunch of times until one of you dies.” – Unknown
“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to unplug the Wi-Fi.” – Unknown
“Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.” – Unknown
“Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead.” – Unknown
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
“Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold.” – Unknown
“In every relationship, one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” – Unknown
“Marriage: where ‘What do you want to eat?’ becomes the most complicated question.” – Unknown
“Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.” – Unknown
“Marriage is mostly about knowing which drawer the scissors are in.” – Unknown
Hilarious Husband and Wife Quotes
“My husband thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not the one who married me.” – Unknown
“I asked my husband to take out the trash and now I’m single.” – Unknown
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.” – Unknown
“Marriage is when you get to keep annoying someone forever.” – Unknown
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” – Henny Youngman
“Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.” – Unknown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton
“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” – Unknown
Quotes About Love, Laughter, and Long-Term Chaos
“Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.” – Unknown
“Love is blind—but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West
“You know you’re married when you go from ‘Netflix and chill’ to ‘Netflix and separate blankets’.” – Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” – Henny Youngman
“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” – Unknown
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Joyce Brothers
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage: an endless sleepover with your favorite weirdo.” – Unknown
Quotes That Perfectly Capture Those Little Moments
“You can’t make everyone happy—you’re not married to everyone.” – Unknown
“Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.” – Helen Rowland
“I’m convinced that my wife’s snoring is some kind of secret Morse code.” – Unknown
“Marriage is just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies.” – Unknown
“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first you get a ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson
Honest (and Hilarious) Advice for Married Couples
“The four most important words in any marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown
“Happy wife, happy life. Angry wife… run for your life.” – Unknown
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.” – Unknown
Short and Funny Marriage Quotes That Hit Home
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
“Being married is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“Marriage: where the ‘yes dear’ strategy is key.” – Unknown
“Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Unknown
Old School Humor That Still Works
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Take my wife—please!” – Henny Youngman
“Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring, or eating with chopsticks: It looks easy until you try it.” – Helen Rowland
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” – E. Joseph Cossman
“Marriage is 90% shouting ‘What?’ from another room.” – Unknown
“We go together like copy and paste.” – Unknown
“Relationship status: Sleeping in the same bed but under different blankets.” – Unknown
“Marriage is finding that one special person to annoy forever on social media.” – Unknown
“When you’re married, ‘doing nothing together’ becomes a date night.” – Unknown
Funny Quotes About Growing Old Together
“We’ve been married so long I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.” – Unknown
“Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.” – Unknown
“Growing old with someone you love is great—especially if they forget all the arguments.” – Unknown
“The best thing about growing old together? You’ll both forget what you were fighting about.” – Unknown
“A good marriage is when both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal. Spoiler: we both do.” – Unknown
“Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it. My spouse finds this hilarious.” – Unknown
“Marriage is about finding someone to share your popcorn with… even if they steal the best pieces.” – Unknown
“If you want to know how your wife feels about something, look at her face… or don’t. You’ve been warned.” – Unknown
“We still hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” – Unknown
“Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – Unknown
Bonus: 10 Quotes That Are Just Too Real
“Marriage is one long conversation, mostly about what to eat.” – Unknown
“Arguing with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use on a software update. You just agree and hope it doesn’t crash.” – Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me… then I remember, oh yeah, I put up with you too.” – Unknown
“We may not have it all together, but together we have it all… plus takeout.” – Unknown
“I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.” – Unknown
“If love is a battlefield, then marriage is a full-blown tactical war game.” – Unknown
“They say marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
“Marriages are made in heaven… but so are tornadoes.” – Unknown
“I married my wife for her looks. Not the ones she’s been giving me lately.” – Unknown
“The secret to a happy marriage remains… Wi-Fi that works and snacks in stock.” – Unknown
Final Thoughts: Marriage Is Funny Because It’s True
Well, that’s the end of 75 funny marriage quotes that only couples will understand. What do you think? Don’t forget to share them in the comments and let other people read them too. And sometimes it’s all we can do – laugh about it and live it.
