Let’s get real for a second. Life is often a lot of deadlines, expectations, notifications, and one awkward memory right when we try to get some sleep. That’s why funny quotes exist to make our lives a little more enjoyable. In this blog, we’ve put together 100 Short Funny Quotes for Instant Laughs to help you get a boost and laugh a little.
Alright. Deep breath. Let’s laugh.
Quick Wit & Wordplay
“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” — Luis Buñuel
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.” — Robert Bloch
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.” — Unknown
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” — Miles Kington
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” — Unknown
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” — Will Rogers
“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” — Kyle Chandler
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — Winnie-the-Pooh
“Reality continues to ruin my life.” — Bill Watterson
“Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.” — Unknown
“The trouble with having an open mind is that people insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” — Terry Pratchett
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
Relatable Life Moments
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde
“Brains are wonderful; I wish everybody had one.” — Ron White
“Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is.” — Jeffrey Gitomer
“Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” — Oscar Wilde
“Failure is seasoning that gives success its flavor.” — Truman Capote
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.” — George Burns
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Earl Wilson
“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.” — Joseph Heller
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream.” — Unknown
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” — Mark Twain
“Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Fred Astaire
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” — Don Marquis
“Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.” — Mason Cooley
“Silence is golden… unless you have kids.” — Unknown
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire
“Understanding is a two-way street.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” — Oscar Wilde
“Youth is wasted on the young.” — George Bernard Shaw
Sassy One-Liners
“All generalizations are false, including this one.” — Mark Twain
“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” — Unknown
“Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles M. Schulz
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” — John F. Kennedy
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” — Charles de Gaulle
“I am not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.” — Voltaire
“Kindness is wisdom.” — Philip James Bailey
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” — Alan Dundes
“Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.” — Frank Zappa
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” — Abraham Lincoln
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls.” — Thomas Edison
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov
“Quality is not an act, it is a habit.” — Aristotle
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” — Albert Einstein
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence.” — Oscar Wilde
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” — Albert Einstein
“Wisdom comes with winters.” — Oscar Wilde
Coffee & Chaos
“Adventure is worthwhile.” — Aesop
“But first, coffee.” — Unknown
“Chaos is a friend of mine.” — Bob Dylan
“Dream as if you’ll live forever.” — James Dean
“Espresso yourself.” — Unknown
“Focus on being productive instead of busy.” — Tim Ferriss
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein
“Hustle beats talent.” — Kevin Durant
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
“Joy is not in things; it is in us.” — Richard Wagner
“Keep your face always toward the sunshine.” — Walt Whitman
“Laugh and the world laughs with you.” — Ella Wheeler Wilcox
“Motivation is what gets you started.” — Jim Rohn
“Normality is a paved road.” — Vincent van Gogh
“Opportunity is everywhere.” — John Wooden
“Peace begins with a smile.” — Mother Teresa
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” — Stephen Hawking
“Rise above the storm.” — Robert H. Schuller
“Success is not final.” — Winston Churchill
“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” — Oprah Winfrey
Pure Silly Energy
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” — Mark Twain
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” — Mark Twain
“Did you ever notice that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot?” — George Carlin
“Everything you can imagine is real.” — Pablo Picasso
“Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.” — Mark Twain
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain
“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.” — Voltaire
“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” — Jimi Hendrix
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” — Robert Frost
“My life needs editing.” — Unknown
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” — George Carlin
“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” — Mike Bechtle
“Quit while you’re ahead.” — John D. Rockefeller
“Reality is the leading cause of stress.” — Jane Wagner
“Smile, it confuses people.” — Unknown
“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.” — Hector Berlioz
Final Thoughts!
If you made it this far, first of all, hi friend. Second, I hope at least one quote made you laugh out loud, or at the very least, breathe a little easier. That’s the end of our collection of 100 Short Funny Quotes for Instant Laughs.
Short funny quotes are tiny reminders that life doesn’t always have to be serious.
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